Always On My Mind

Charles and I looking over our baby boy Wyatt

Charles and I looking over our baby boy Wyatt

I have a Pinterest account. I really adore Pinterest. I have a board that is called “Mommy’s Angel” and that is where I put all the pins that is related to child loss and Wyatt. Yesterday, I got really into just looking for things as such, stumbling upon some wonderful things that I could relate to. But it got me thinking, of course, about Wyatt. My baby boy that I only got to see for three hours. I was also extremely tired during those three hours from labor and not sleeping well. I got induced a month earlier than my due date because I had preeclampsia. He was a big boy. Weighing a little more than seven pounds.

Our miracle baby, he was. Doctors said that most babies die in the womb. Not only that, most babies with Trisomy 13 have physical defects such as a cleft lip, extra fingers, small head, etc. Our baby boy seemed to have a cleft lip that was forming (or was healing it self) and an extra finger. On top of his head there seemed to be a wound, but was probably that his skin on his scalp didn’t fully grow. He had a smaller than normal cerebellum and a rare heart defect. In the end, the reason why he did not live longer was not the heart defect but that his body did not know how to continue breathing on his own. Before he was even born, we had discussed with many doctors the many defects and complications that can occur. Even so, despite knowing all of this, we had this hope that he would still survive yet. Which he did, for a few hours.

There are so many things I wish I did when he was still with us, like sing to him for example. I always planned on singing to him with him in my arms, but I always imagined we’d be in his bedroom or my bedroom in my arms as I sung him to sleep. I also wished I held him a little bit more, told him I loved him out loud a hundred times over and kissed his face. I didn’t sing to him, because I was too embarrassed too. I didn’t kiss him a hundred times over, because I was… afraid perhaps. Afraid somehow I could hurt him.

Despite the smiles and laughs I give, and the outlook of I’m totally fine I still hurt when I think of him. I feel happiness and sadness at the same time. I miss my baby boy so much. I don’t want others to feel uncomfortable so I don’t talk about him as much as I want to, but I refuse to not mention him when people ask about my children. He is my child. He grew inside of him, I felt him move and then saw him breathe. I don’t just have a daughter who is here with me, I also have a son who passed away but will still forever be in my heart.

I miss you my son, I love you so much. You were taken away too soon. ❤

Some Things Realized on Vaction

– When I try to get others to watch my daughter I gotta double check its OK
– I never really sleep next to my daughter but I did on this vacation and realized she can actually sit up, say something, then fall back asleep easily
– It makes me very happy to see my daughter excited/happy, even about something small like petting a cat
– I will clean other peoples houses when spent more than a day at it, if it needs cleaning (my sisters house)
– Being around my other siblings I grew up with makes me happier, a little more confident, and perhaps a little more creative
– I actually hate Arizona’s (hot) weather… Getting back from a cold state has made me realize just how much

So there’s many things to be learned and realized when away from home. You get away from the usual and routine. I want to go see my family again, especially soon since my older sister should be having her baby in about two months. If I do end up going to see the baby just after his born, I’ll probably have even more realizations.

I’m glad my daughter can experience traveling and seeing other family outside of her state.

On a random note, here’s a picture of some creative thing I did for my sister while over there with the toilet paper rolls she had…

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First Airplane Ride

Neveah had her first plane ride yesterday. She did well considering the plane ride was three hours. My mom, who went with us, was afraid Neve’s ears would pop and it’d be real painful so she demanded I put juice in her cup to guzzel down when we started to take off. You know, the whole if you chew gum your ears won’t pop thing but instead she was sucking from her cuppy. It didn’t seem like her ears popped ascending or descending.

Things that kept her preoccupied: her Nabi (tablet), her mawma (grandma), the unlatched tray, a random magazine someone was holding across the aisle with a kitty on it, cheetos, gummies, and my jacket. She finally fell asleep about an hour or so before we descended. She’s use to toss and turning while trying to sleep so that lead to her whining a little. But overall she did well. Even the woman, who was the window seater, said she did surprisingly well. But that’s my daughter. Ever since she was an infant people said basically how well behaved she is.

I’m proud that she’s a generally well behaved kid. Let’s hope it keeps that way, all the way till she’s moved out of the house lol.

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Realizing It’s Great to Dress Up

Today Charles and I went shopping for clothes (because he had promised me after he had done up his car) and as I was browsing the racks I found the cutest shirt ever. Well, to be honest, it wasn’t the cutest shirt ever found in the history of time you but you get what I’m saying. Charles, being the awesome and wonderful boyfriend he is, was patient with me because I can take forever with shopping. Ask my family, they know. He also picked out a few piece of clothing for me to try on too. But back to what I was originally talking about, the shirt was this nice blue green color (wonderful color I think that went with me) but had this huge gape in the back… Tried it on and looked great. Loved it.

And to my point… putting on that shirt (and the other new clothes I just bought) felt good. They wasn’t just plain clothes, they were dress up clothes and it felt good to have some. As a mom, especially a new one, I found the first months as one a little overwhelming but most of all I didn’t feel like I had the time to do me time. I’m sure a lot of other mothers understand what I mean.

Don’t get me wrong, I started to actually dress up even if I was going out to the store before this previous event but it just made me think about it. For new mothers (heck, for mothers in general) don’t forget about yourself! It’s hard to forget about yourself, to take care of yourself and get me time. I know, I know: easier said than done. But, even the simplest things go a long way. I dress up as often as I can, because it feels good. Charles and I don’t have many date nights (very few in between) so therefore opportunities to really dress up can be slim so I make outings opportunities. If you have someone that can watch your little one, ask them to and go do a “me” thing.

I also love dressing up my daughter, lol. But what mothers don’t like dressing up their children? ❤

Trisomy Awareness Month: March

If it wasn’t for my son being diagnosed with Trisomy 13, I would have never known that March was the month for Trisomy Awareness. It is amazing what you wouldn’t know or even still don’t know because you haven’t came across an event that lead you to it.

I mean, how many people know what Trisomy is let alone Trisomy 13. I didn’t. Another name for Trisomy 13 is Patau Syndrome and yet, still I had never heard of that name. There are different Trisomys of course. In fact, Trisomy 21 is actually another name for Down Syndrome.

A great website to learn more and I think even to get involved would be Trisomy.org. I remember in my search to learn more about what my son was diagnosed with, I came across many websites and that site was one of them.

Trisomy 13 is a chromosome defect that occurs in 1 in 10,000 live born infants. Imagine the number for the babies that do not even make it to birth… high. Trisomy refers to three copies of one chromosome instead of the normal of two and for Trisomy 13 it is, as probably guessed, chromosome 13.

There are many defects that can occur with a baby that has this chromosome defect such as a heart defect. For us, we found out about his heart defect (Truncus Arteriosus) first… well we found out something was wrong with his heart first then found out what the heart defect was exactly after… but I guess that’s a given. Finding out about the heart defect first, and what it was gave us hope because it could be dealt with. It would’ve required many surgeries for many years but it was doable regardless of prices. Our baby boy could live. Then we found out about Trisomy 13.

It’s funny… well I guess not funny but interesting that we had two doctor appointments that day, the first was with the heart specialist and the second was with the chromosome specialist. I remember when the heart specialist told us about the defect. I remember leaving relieved because it was doable. Then we got to the other doctors office and recieved the worst news. Our son had Trisomy 13. Trisomy 13 babies usually don’t make it to birth and even if they did, they soon die afterwards.

As a mother of one already, I knew I had to be strong for Neveah but it still was devastating. I wasn’t sure how to process that information. My son was more than like not going to live and even if he was born he still wouldn’t live long. How do you even react to something like that, especially after receiving some hope before that… then have that hope whisked away. Even the chromosome specialist seemed to expect my child not even to live to be born. She asked us if we wanted an abortion. I was 27 weeks when we found out about the chromosome defect. An abortion was certainly not an option then and it would never have been one before then.

So there’s some of my story as a mommy with a son who had Trisomy 13.

I hope if anyone is reading this that they help spread awareness for Trisomy. Awareness for any defect or disease or sickness, etc. so people know.

for all those who were/are affected by trisomy for all those who were/are affected by trisomy

Introductions Are In Order! :D

I’m a young mommy with a beautiful daughter (a little over a year) and a son followed soon after but sadly he passed away in Decemeber 2014. He had Trisomy 13. It is certain that I will write all about our baby boy Wyatt. Currently, I am a part-time worker at Wendy’s and mostly a stay-at-home mom. My boyfriend is Charles, he is amazing and although our bundles of joy were a surprise (certainly not a mistake or accident) I know he is enjoying fatherhood just as much as I am enjoying motherhood.

I made this blog because I became inspired by seeing other blogs that mothers made. I was also inspired by my own thoughts, thinking about all that I have been through losing my second child and raising our daughter. I hope this blog will one day become what other blogs I’ve read by mothers became: funny, informative, and very relateable.

My name is Tamra by the way and welcome to my blog about finding myself as a mommy and a person.

My little family. <3 My little family. ❤