Always On My Mind

Charles and I looking over our baby boy Wyatt

Charles and I looking over our baby boy Wyatt

I have a Pinterest account. I really adore Pinterest. I have a board that is called “Mommy’s Angel” and that is where I put all the pins that is related to child loss and Wyatt. Yesterday, I got really into just looking for things as such, stumbling upon some wonderful things that I could relate to. But it got me thinking, of course, about Wyatt. My baby boy that I only got to see for three hours. I was also extremely tired during those three hours from labor and not sleeping well. I got induced a month earlier than my due date because I had preeclampsia. He was a big boy. Weighing a little more than seven pounds.

Our miracle baby, he was. Doctors said that most babies die in the womb. Not only that, most babies with Trisomy 13 have physical defects such as a cleft lip, extra fingers, small head, etc. Our baby boy seemed to have a cleft lip that was forming (or was healing it self) and an extra finger. On top of his head there seemed to be a wound, but was probably that his skin on his scalp didn’t fully grow. He had a smaller than normal cerebellum and a rare heart defect. In the end, the reason why he did not live longer was not the heart defect but that his body did not know how to continue breathing on his own. Before he was even born, we had discussed with many doctors the many defects and complications that can occur. Even so, despite knowing all of this, we had this hope that he would still survive yet. Which he did, for a few hours.

There are so many things I wish I did when he was still with us, like sing to him for example. I always planned on singing to him with him in my arms, but I always imagined we’d be in his bedroom or my bedroom in my arms as I sung him to sleep. I also wished I held him a little bit more, told him I loved him out loud a hundred times over and kissed his face. I didn’t sing to him, because I was too embarrassed too. I didn’t kiss him a hundred times over, because I was… afraid perhaps. Afraid somehow I could hurt him.

Despite the smiles and laughs I give, and the outlook of I’m totally fine I still hurt when I think of him. I feel happiness and sadness at the same time. I miss my baby boy so much. I don’t want others to feel uncomfortable so I don’t talk about him as much as I want to, but I refuse to not mention him when people ask about my children. He is my child. He grew inside of him, I felt him move and then saw him breathe. I don’t just have a daughter who is here with me, I also have a son who passed away but will still forever be in my heart.

I miss you my son, I love you so much. You were taken away too soon. ❤


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