Keeping All Your Memory With Me

Why is it when I feel sad my heart goes to you? Why does my heart feel heavy and yet light when I think of you? I think I’m letting go of this pain but then I realize it’s not gone, it’s hidden under layers of happiness and determination. It never went away and it never will.

I suppose that is fine, that it won’t go away. It reminds me you were real and not some past dream. That I actually held you in my arms and watched you breath, felt that heaviness against my arms and the warmth. But… I will never hold you again. And it hurts over and over again. They say God took you for a good reason and I try to believe it but that missing piece in my heart says otherwise. I stay strong most of the time but from time to time I’ll hear a song or see an emotional video or action and I feel the tears coming.

I can’t believe it has been three years when it feels like just last week I was sitting at your memorial. Just a few months ago that I felt you kicking my stomach and how strong you felt to me. How much hope I had that you would be that rare percentage that would survive.

I can’t let go of this pain when I think of you because it reminds me you were real and not a distance dream. It reminds me that I had a son who I made the decision to keep despite the doctors reactions. I’ll keep the sadness inside me but also the joy of you. I’ll keep every part of your memory with me, despite the way I feel at times because you are my  baby boy. My son who, despite the odds, came to life and I got to hold if only for a little. I’ll keep all the memory because it is mine and yours, every bit will be precious. I’ll keep everything.

My heart goes to you when I feel even a little bit sad because you are my baby boy, my son, who passed away in my arms three short years ago. My heart feels heavy because your memory tugs at the empty piece inside me. My heart feels light because your memory fills the emptiness within me.

I love you my precious baby boy Wyatt, my little angel.