If I didn’t have my daughter before my son…
I would like to say I would have pulled through.
I would like to say my world wouldn’t have stopped completely and utterly.
I would like to say I would have been strong as I was with my daughter.
I would like to say all of these things and mean it.
… but the hard truth is that I know I wouldn’t.
The fact of the matter is that having my daughter made me be strong, I wouldn’t be strong enough by myself. Having a child depend on you, a little human being that looked to you for comfort and out of need puts your head in the place that you can’t just fall apart. At least for me. I know for some people, it may be different. Those that throw themselves down in anguish, forgetting there’s a child looking at you as you scream and beg in front of them to someone, anyone.
This is how I feel when I think of my son, dead, gone as my creative side let’s go…
My chest tightens, my shoulders go back then shrink together, my head falls a bit and my heart beats faster. My physical heart is fine. My mental heart is struggling, most of the time it is fine, beating, occasionally cursing but thinking of my son dead… it stutters, it shows those tatters and stitches that try to keep it in. It shows bruises and a piece inside that is open and barely visible.
Not having my daughter before my son passed away, my heart would be worse. I would be worse. I’m honestly not sure if I could survive that kind of pain that pierced me, if my relationships could have.
I might not have still been here if it wasn’t for my daughter.
And that’s the hard truth.
I once had a past boyfriend break my heart so completely that I felt like I couldn’t breathe, my heart seemed to beat faster than my breath could keep up. I thought I might suffocate because I couldn’t stop crying enough to catch my breath and I almost didn’t care if I did.
That pain I felt, sharp like a needle in my heart, was nothing compared to losing my son. No, I didn’t almost suffocate. No, I wasn’t on the ground crying and begging for this pain to be gone, but I did feel like a piece of me stopped working. A part of my being, my heart, my soul just vanished as soon as my boy took his last breath. This pain, no matter how long time passed, wouldn’t go away.
It was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.
Without my daughter, that pain would have been 10 times worse because I would have become numb and eventually wouldn’t want to feel anything. Wouldn’t care what happened to me, with such a big hole in my heart gone. I wouldn’t know how to move on.
I know this all sounds so dramatic, it’s a “what if” scenario. I don’t know for sure any of this. If I would have been so in despair that I wouldn’t care if I, myself, passed away. I don’t know. What I do know is this: my daughter kept me strong, kept me going, kept me from falling to pieces, my heart stitched together.
I know this was not a happy, positive, we got this post. I wanted to write a story but this came out instead.
Know this though, if you have lost a child or someone close to you, regardless if that is your only child or person, you don’t have to go through it alone. Turn to someone, your partner or parents or friends, anyone. Do not let this depression take you over, drag you down into the depths of darkness where you can’t move. I had lots of support, it’s just my daughter made me stay together the most, there were others.
Who needs you in your life?
Someone does. Everyone has someone, even if you’re sure you don’t, you do. Even if it’s just your pet. Someone does.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Thank you for keeping through that if you did. Don’t worry, there will be more happy, postivie, DIY, about life posts soon enough! 😀