Growing Up So Fast!

Neveah is growing up so fast it seems. If she wasn’t growing up, though, that’d be a cause for alert. I did this thing where I tell her to listen, putting my fingers behind my ear. She does that sometimes now. It’s so cute! She also says goodnight pretty clearly. She is saying sentences already. Oh, get this, she learned how to open doors. I’m pretty sure she figured out how to get out of her play pin that is her bed. I say this because I put her in her bed once because she was misbehaving and next thing you know I heard a sound and glance over and see her. She’s just smiling wide, being as cute as can be and here I am wondering… how? She has not done it since though.

I’ve got this idea, taking the beans (dry beans) that we never use and using them. I mean, put them in this bucket thing we got and let her use her shovel and scoop them into the smaller bucket. Sounds like fun, well for her. I’m not sure how exactly to make that more educational… I’m sure there’s a way but I’m just not coming up with something. Any ideas folks?

I’m still trying to potty train her. She doesn’t always like to come to the bathroom and sit on her toilet. She’ll ‘like’ doing it if she has something to distract her like her tablet. She has yet to go pee or poop into it. I’m still waiting for that shining moment. I feel like I should just move onto underwear already. I just see many messes coming from that… omg. I just want to wait till she DOES goes pee or poop into it so I can be like all excited and reward her with this chart thing I have and stickers and maybe she’ll be more… willing to sit on it.

We still got a bedtime routine going. It’ll be time for bed, it either goes with telling daddy goodnight, brush teeth, change into ‘nighty night’ diaper and then lay down or she tells her daddy goodnight after she brushes her teeth. It’s to the point where I’ll say night night time, she’ll go to the bathroom knowing what to do next. Course, sometimes she’ll hear me say that and go over to her dad, kind of hang around him pretending to say goodnight when she really doesn’t want to go to sleep.

Ah. Children.

It’s all about patience and being willing to spend your time and effort into educational stuff and not just let them be entertained by television. To play with them and give them what they need but not what they always want.

The Feeling of Being a Parent

It seems I only find the time to write on here either during work breaks or late at night, when I should be in bed with my boyfriend trying to fall asleep – like now. It’s late at night. I tried doing an entry last weekend, during a work break, but ended up accidently deleting such post and gave up on trying to re-do it lol. But it still published onto my Facebook and showed the first paragraph. So, there, I guess, done. Anyway…

I just put my daughter to sleep. She still ended up crying a little after I left the room. She has been doing that more often. I try to put her to sleep, she looks deep asleep, I leave the room (closing the door quietly) and then I hear her cry. I leave her be for a little to see if she’ll just fall back to asleep, usually she does so after a few minutes or so. Guiltily, I have not been keeping to her routine of getting ready for bed around eight. You see, my boyfriend and I watch these shows together and they keep playing and I forget about the time or say “just one more and I’ll put her to sleep” and one becomes a few. I’ve been trying to get back on track because I realize that a routine for her is a good thing. I just wish I could actually get up earlier, because she seems to get up earlier than I and just sits in her play pen (her bed) and plays with the stuff animals that are there with her. Lucky me. If she just cried, I would be forced to end my in and out sleep. She sometimes can be heard awake six o’clock in the morning. Eep.

So, tonight I sat on that tiger stool I use (as uncomfortable as it can be) with her butterfly night light displaying red stars and the occasionally moon on the ceiling and watched her sleep. I stroked her hair gently and all the love and care I have for her came to me. I’m not sure how to explain it but I am going to try. This feeling of knowing I love her unconditionally and so much that I would sacrifice myself for her in a heartbeat, no questions asked and no regrets at all… it is just a different kind of love than any other. She happens to be my heart, if that makes sense. I would like to think any other parent would understand, lol. It is such a strong emotion when I think about it that it almost made me shed a few tears. I love her so much. You don’t quite understand what it feels like to be a parent, no amount of explaining will do, until you are one. That is the truth, whether a repeated one or not.

Of course, I love my son just as much. I find it hard to explain it. He is not here. People can say he is in my heart or in the Heavens but the thing is that he is not here physically. I cannot hold him or kiss him. I find it hard to say and I don’t want anyone to misunderstand me when I say this but sometimes it hurts to think of how much I love him. I do. I love him so much, just as much as Neveah but unlike Neveah that love and care that I want to give him, show him, I cannot. I can’t hold him anymore and tell him how much I love him and how handsome he is or cuddle him. And it hurts.

Sometimes I’m taken by surprise how much it still hurts to feel the loss of my son. I guess I shouldn’t be. I know it’ll never really go away, the pain of losing him. I know that without Neveah I would be an utter mess. I’m sure of it. I would break down more often and I don’t think I’d be able to understand how to deal with the pain. I’m still not even sure how to deal with it, to be honest. But with Neveah, I feel I have to be strong for her and along with that for my boyfriend.

But to that feeling of being a parent… it is really indescribable. No matter how much I describe it it won’t do the feeling justice. I love my children so much, it’s a feeling in my chest like no other and it puts a smile on my face, also frown marks lol but it is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Bedtime Routine

So it’s almost 10 o’clock at night here, I’m sitting in my dark living room after I just put my daughter to sleep. Her sleep routine I’m trying to stick to is that we brush our teeth before we go “night night”. I heard it’s good to have a before bed routine and some parents read bedtime stories to their young children, some say prayers, and others may not even have a routine for their toddler but ours is to brush our teeth. I figure it’s a good habit to get into. My boyfriend (her father) said I should start getting her to brush her teeth now, because it is a good habit even though he doesn’t always stick to it – neither do I but I do it more often.

The first time I actually brought her into the bathroom to brush her teeth, I had sat her on the bathroom counter by the sink so it’d be easier to watch her and she wouldn’t be tempted to wonder off. She really likes her toothbrush, probably because it’s very chewable and she is also teething now so… yeah. It’s one of those toothbrushes that are really gummy like with soft bristles (more like small bumps) on both sides and the toothpaste is a non-fluoride one that tastes like something sweet that I can’t remember. Anyway, the first time we brushed our teeth and I was repeating in a sing-song voice “brush brush brush brush brush brush our teeth” but with more pauses between the brush part. It doesn’t sound as tiring as it looks, I think. She was enjoying it. She tried to make the same motions as me and would occasionally just suck and chew on it. Hey, she was trying. But, when it came to put the toothbrush away you could say she was… more than reluctant to do so, so to get her distracted from losing the toothbrush, I held her up and looked at the mirror and pointed to my teeth and said “clean teeth, you have clean teeth”. She smiled, pointed to her teeth. Ever since, that’s how the teeth brushing goes. It still works to distract her from wanting the toothbrush back, thankfully.

Putting her to bed, though, that’s a different story. I say it’s night-night time and turn off the light (sometimes turning on her butterfly that is a night light basically [that her aunt Hannah, my dad’s kid who is now 4 years old, got for her her first christmas]) and turn on her pink dog. So, all the grandparents know the pink dog is nice to have when trying to put her to sleep. She’s had it since her first Christmas. Her uncle Matthew (my dad’s kid, about 8 years old now I think) got it for her. We actually got her the blue dog version for her on her first Christmas too but since the dog was pink and she was a girl…. Yeah, I know. That’s stereotyping genders, but that has been her dog that helps her go to sleep. I’m sure if we used the blue dog (which is now in my mom’s possession because she wanted the dog at her house so she didn’t have to ask for the pink dog) she would go to sleep with it. There’s not much difference between the two besides the different colors and the slight difference in the voice when it talks (but not when it sings). Back to the bedtime routine…

I put her in her bed (which is a pack-n-play) and sit on this orange tiger stool (it has the colors, a tail and the feet are, well, feet of a tiger) next to her and stay there till she falls asleep. Sometimes I’ll pat her butt (like I use to do to her when she was a baby baby) and others I just sit there and watch her. This can take up to an hour. It can be tiring, especially if I am really tired myself. I would like to break her of the habit of having me there until she falls asleep but I’m not sure how. I could just say my good nights and put her in bed, stay a little, then walk out but then she’ll cry and I’ll feel really bad. I have a feeling my boyfriend would be OK with that, because in the end she’ll get use to it but I don’t want to hear her cry for long periods of time because she’s use to me being there. So, yeah, thats the routine of the night. Although sometimes she does fall asleep in the living room with me. I usually just have to gently put her in her bed, make sure she doesn’t wake up, and walk out.

When she gets older, I’m sure the routine will change a bit. Maybe there’ll be story time before then or maybe her dad will want to start praying… I’m not sure, but we’ll see when we get there. I just know I’m doing something partly right for having some kind of routine, even if it isn’t followed a 100% or there isn’t a set time for it. Routines are good, even if it’s not a perfect set one.