People Say I’m Strong…

People say that I am strong.

I have lost a child. It hurt more than I have ever felt with any heartbreak. I have been told more than a few times that I was strong. But here’s a secret…

I don’t feel strong. Should I feel strong? I feel normal, like I am any other person. What makes me strong? Perhaps because I didn’t have mental break down at the memorial service for my son and I am not in a deep depression that which leads people to call me strong. I have a daughter, she needs me so I don’t break down in front of her. I thought that would be the natural thing to do, not to break down so completely.

There was a scene in this book I had once read years ago where the main character was attending a funeral and the wife of the man that died had a mental breakdown. She threw herself at the casket and started to scream and people had to literally drag her from it. That same woman had a really young daughter there who saw it all. The main character approached the woman, told her she needed to get it together because her daughter needed her. She could break down later. That stuck with me. It was a small scene that didn’t really develop the plot of the story itself but it kept in my mind more than any other.

Here’s another question, was I strong before my experience of losing a child? Did it just make me stronger? Or did it make me strong? What makes someone not strong? How strong am I? Is everyone strong just in their own way? Goodness, so many questions that almost make me sound concided but these are the ones going through my mind.

I want to be strong. I have a daughter and I want to see her mommy is strong, not just physically but in that other way. But I don’t feel that kind of strong that people like to call me.

If I was really strong, wouldn’t I be doing more than? Looking at my life, things are going good. I mean, we are getting buying a house now and my fiance and I are only twenty-four years old. That is good. But, I’m just here along for the ride it seems. I wish I could light a fire under my own butt. Really, I am the only one that could make myself do anything.

So, once again, I wonder… how am I strong? I feel so normal. I still cry for my son. I crack under pressure at times. I yell at my daughter in frustration of her actions still. I don’t do it all the time of course, but if you are a parent I think you understand what I mean. Always, I wanted to make a difference in something but I am just sitting. Maybe I’m waiting for something to settle.

What a rant this has become.

I know I am strong in a way but sometimes I question the how and why.

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Untold Story: The Hours After Wyatt’s Birth

It has been two and a half years since our dear boy Wyatt passed away. It doesn’t seem like that long ago that I had held him in my arms and watched my mom and dad do the same, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law as well. My fiance held him close, with a smile of what seemed like joy but sadness.

I remember those hours well.

With little but a wink of sleep under my belt because I just didn’t want to fall asleep, labor set in. Perhaps unconsciously I was feeling if I did things would come too quickly, Wyatt would come and he could pass away. I was afraid of that time. I didn’t want to be alone either. I was afraid. I didn’t fall asleep like most people had suggested to me. I wish I had fallen asleep well before I felt that pressure between my legs. I was terribly tired when Wyatt came into this world.

My eyes could barely hold open at times and I knew time was fading for him and I kicked myself for not having more sleep. I held in my arms, he felt heavy and didn’t seem sick but besides that I was afraid to kiss him. Afraid it would hurt him somehow. There is so much in this world I would give to have given him so many kisses and told him a thousand times how much I loved him so he could hear me. Although, I’m sure, he heard it over and over when I told him in my tummy. I remember seeing him blue when he first came out but he seemed to get back color. I had hope at that time.

He was passed around to the visiting family members, one by one they gave him kisses and hugs and whispered to him. At some point he started to make a sound like he was trying to breathe on his own and there was more hope in me that perhaps he would be that miracle to survive. When my dad held him it seemed he tried even harder. We all saw that.

I remember when the nurses asked if we wanted them to take him away to bathe him but I didn’t want him to leave. What if he passed away during that time? I wanted to spend every minute, every second with him. I wanted him around the people that loved him the most. Sometimes I wish they had bathed him. He wouldn’t be a chalky white in the pictures. We would see how his skin color was underneath that all.

About three hours after he was born he passed away in someone’s arms. I’m not hundred percent in who’s arms. He stopped making those sounds. The doctor came in and checked him and announced he did pass away. They asked if they wanted them to take him away but we opted for more time with him.

Yes, his soul had passed on but I don’t think any of us was ready just yet to let him go. So, my fiance and mother-in-law changed him into a onsie we had brought with us and then bundled him up in a blanket his Nana (mother-in-law of mine) made him. Cigarette breaks were had and my dad stayed with me and Wyatt. I held Wyatt but I noticed I couldn’t hold him for too long because I knew he had passed away but yet… he seemed like he was only sleeping.

Later, the nurses asked if we wanted pictures taken of him at no charge of course. We agreed and they carefully took him away to take pictures of him. I did wish we did the pictures before… he had passed but I don’t think I would be able to let him go even if they did bring that option up. They even cut a lock of his hair for us and put it into a baggy, unfortunately that little snip of hair has spread out so it no longer looks like a lock of hair but just a few strands. It was in a bag with tiny holes, so perhaps that is why. I remember what his hair looked like though… it was a strawberry brownish color. Definitely more reddish than his sister (though hers was just brown not red at all). I’ve always wondered how it would turn out in the end if he had… grown up more.

Eventually, it was time to let him go. We signed some forms to release him and to our surprise the people that took him held him in their arms walking out. We thought they would bring in a bed they have for the infants, not walk with him in their arms. I was thankful for that. My dad followed them out.

It was done. He was gone. I was moved to a different room and the nurses put a rose on our door to indicate we had lost our child (after they asked us, of course). This was so people wouldn’t ask how our baby was doing or come in too often, I suppose. I was thankful for that. The staff were very gracious and helpful. During the process where they took pictures they also did hand prints. He had an extra finger off to the side, you could see it in there but we were OK with that. That was him. That was our baby boy, Wyatt’s hand prints.

Even after all this time, I still sit and cry for him. I miss him. I wish so many things. I’m sure well into the future I will still do this. He is a part of my heart that is missing and that will never change.

Thank you for reading my story and if you are someone who had lost a child of your own, keep strong. The only reason I kept so strong in the beginning (and now) is mostly because of my daughter Neveah, she needed me still. It was also due to the remarkable support I was given from friends, family and even acquaintances.

The Little Being and The Protector’s Journey

Once upon a time there was a little being who was smaller than a finger that changed everything. It was too soon to tell just how everything would turn out. The little being was in secret for a while growing a little bit bigger each day until one day a test was given and the surprise was revealed!

Oh, the protector of it was definitely surprised. There was no doubt. Well, actually there was doubt. The protector was still too young, not enough experience and so many things yet not done! She wasn’t sure she wanted the responsibility. Could she be enough for this little being? How would she measure up? So many fears, she was so close to not being the protector. To extinguish this life that had chosen her.

Lying on a medical chair, the ultrasound wand moving around, she saw it for the first time. There it was, so tiny it was amazing the being could cause her to feel so sick at times and create many emotions. Then came the sound of life, so fast but it proved the being was alive. Her own life beat skipped and she knew in that very moment that she could not, would not give up the little being. It was now unthinkable. Unimaginable. Impossible.

Then came the responsibilities of being the protector. She wanted to be the best. She cut out most junk food and drinks. Her and her partner that would be the other protector prepared for the little beings arrival. It wasn’t for a while till the being would but that was perfect. There was many things to be done.

Over time new goals were set. New things were done. Instead of there being so many things that were not done, there were so many things yet to be done! The first feeding, first hug or kiss and even before that the first ever gender revealing for the protector of a little being! Excitement was there but anxiety still hovered in the back.

Between the heart burn and a ridiculously sensitive gag reflex the little being flourished. The little being grew until the protector looked like she hid a balloon underneath her shirt. It grew until bending down was near impossible and the protector just wanted to pop! Yet throughout all of this, the little flutters that grew into jabs and rolls are what she always, ALWAYS looked forward to. She already fell in love with the little being.

Then the time came. The doctor set a time to help the little being to come without waiting for the pain and last minute counting between waves. It was almost too late, where it was more morning than night. But a bag was already prepped for just this occasion. Off the protectors went to the hospital.

There were greetings from their own protectors and a little waiting till it was time to sign in. The protector, with the little being inside, hands shook from being nervous. She felt a little sick. This was really happening. Soon she would be aching for hours then the little being she treasured would finally be able to be touched and kissed and cuddled.

The two protectors were led to a room, given the low down what was to happen and how. A medicine was inserted into her and now it was the waiting game. It took hours into the water bag was popped then even more hours until she gave in and asked for pain relief. You guessed it, even more hours until a nurse came in and said it was time to push.

And push she did! Despite her fear of losing bowel movements and of bunches appearing down below, she pushed with all she could with her partner right by her side entire time, their protectors outside waiting for the news of the arrival of the little being. The doctor came in, mentioned the crowning and said to push even more. How was that possible? The protector thought but did it. Despite the pain relief, it still hurt. Suddenly, there was a tugging then relief. The little being was out!

Still a second thing had to come out. It wasn’t as big, but the doctor wanted to sew before it came out. Felt so uncomfortable, not painful just uncomfortable. She needed it out. Finally it came out but something was wrong. The doctor started to do something that made her hurt like none other. A pain never, ever felt before. One that made the protector sink her nails into her partner’s hand, leaving moon sized marks

The doctor was scooping out red liquid. The pain was unbelievable. They tried to sooth her with the little being, a beautiful and white but surprisingly heavy girl on her chest but she just couldn’t pay enough attention to hold her as she had wished. Another nurse stated she was going to inject the protector with a clotting medicine. Losing too much precious life liquid. The protector started to beg them to stop. She couldn’t stand it any longer. Just stop! It hurt too much! Stop!

Then it stopped. The doctor said he still needed to stitch. The protector just nodded. She realized she was shaking and couldn’t stop. The doctor finished and left. The nurse asked if she wanted the protectors outside to come in and she could only nod. The nursed hoped that it would calm her down.

In the protectors came, most went to check on the little girl but one came over. She still couldn’t stop, even though she tried. The protector on the medical bed broke into tears. Her father protector tried calming her then her mother protector came next. Soon the protector calmed in the presence of her own protectors. Ice chips were given to her. She took her little girl in her arms eventually, when she wasn’t constantly dizzy from blood lost and her baby wasn’t under a sun light.

Once upon a time a little being changed everything and now she is the world to her protectors.

Easy Peasy Shredded Chicken Tacos

I’ve been making these for a while now when I realized I could make it the shredded chicken in a crockpot. You see, I’m always trying to find the easiest and simplest way to make meals. I’m lazy, what can I say. So, let’s begin…

First, the shredded chicken. I like to thaw mine first and have yet to try them frozen, but it can be done of course. Place the chicken in the crockpot and fill it up with water until it’s a little over the chicken then cook on high for four hours. If your chicken isn’t thawed all the way, it may take a little longer.

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After chicken is done cooking.

After done cooking, drain the extra water and you can either shred in pot or take it out and shred.

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After chicken is done cooking.

I like to shred them with two forks, but however you would like to shred them.

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After chicken is done being shredded.

Time for the guacamole! I don’t really like store bought kind, it never tastes right to me so I would always rather make it myself. My stepmom had taught me how to make it but I ended up putting a little twist on it. I don’t have any exact measurements, to be honest. I do it by taste.

You take however many avocados you want to use, I used three in this particular picture. Cut them in half, not cutting the seed. Using a spoon I scrape out the meat and put it into a bowl. I cut it into small chunks first in the bowl and use a cup (yep, a cup) with a completely flat bottom to mash it. You can use whatever you want to make it smooth. Once done, I added two limes and some garlic salt. You read that right, instead of regular salt I add garlic salt. At this point, I’m adding the ingredients bit by bit and tasting it as I go to see if it needs more. If you want, you can add onions and cilantro. We don’t like onions in this house and I forgot the cilantro.

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I don’t have a picture of the finished product for the guacamole unforunately, but turned out pretty yummy.

After all that, I put some tortillas on the stove (got a special pan just for that) to heat up and then added the ingredients together. We used store bought sour cream, salsa, and shredded cheese. Loved the way it tasted! One of my fiance’s favorite meals. Our daughter doesn’t seem too interested in it though. She is still getting use to things in a tortilla cause she is iffy on burritos too. =P

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All done!

 

Thanks for stopping on by! Hoped you enjoyed this recipe. Here is a link to the recipe I originally used that taught me how to shred the chicken in a crockpot.

http://www.skinny-bits.com/2011/02/how-to-make-shredded-chicken-in-your.html

How To Keep Blogging…?

I made this blog because, at the time, it seemed so easy and fun. A blog about being a mom and finding myself? How easy is this going to be! I got loads to say…

No.

Sure, I do have lots to say but how to say it? I don’t want to bore anyone. I tend to write more than I should (my opinion). What exactly should I write about? Every day is the same and there is small things that are not the same. I usually post those small things on Facebook. Share a memory or a little accomplishment.

So, a quick turn of topic, I love Pinterest (this is going to tie in, promise). I’m on it a lot, pinning and searching. It’s my search engine now. I want to cook something but need to know how? Pinterest! I want to do a new activity that is creative and fun with my little girl? Pinterest! I’m bored? Pinterest! You get the point. I was on it one day and saw a writing prompt. It was interesting. I use to write a lot when I was younger. I had an idea! Writing prompts for blogging! Very interesting.

In short, I am thinking about using these prompts to help me blog. I really want to continue blogging, even if it is just once a month. I want to keep this active. Now, I just need the encouragement to post more and some support! Sounds odd, I need support to blog but it is true. I confess. But, some time I will do another post from a prompt.

So, whoever happens on this, let’s get started…

Best. Anniversary. Ever.

I am so tired.

I think I am so tired now because last Saturday I stayed up later than I usually do and I still had to work the next day. Last Saturday my wonderful boyfriend planned to celebrate our fourth anniversary. I already given him my anniversary gift (and he loved it). Inside a bag I put some of his favorite things such as: six pack of bottle corona with some beer salt, beef jerky, tiny Dr. Pepper eight pack cans, x-large kit-kat bar, two cans of vienna wiener things, and lots of cookies n cream kisses. There was also Open When… envelopes. See picture below.

charles anniversary gift from me to him

charles anniversary gift from me to him

But, anyway, back to last Saturday night… He wanted to take me to a fancy restaurant but found all the really fancy ones would cost $200-300. He later told me he was looking up five star restaurants online, which is where he got the prices from. Instead, he asked me to choose a restaurant. My go-to one is Applebees cause I absolutely love that place, partly because I went there with my family more than a few times. I’m gonna assume he was tired of Applebee’s and wanted something new. I thought about all the restaurants that I could think of (which wasn’t a lot) and thought of the Cheesecake Factory. I’ve never went there, I’ve heard about it… kind of. So, I looked it up online and the nearest location to us and off we went.

The location was in what I call fancyville. We parked and headed to the restaurant. I was so excited. New restaurant after all. We had to go through a rotating door… a real rotating door that spins. Yeah, I was excited about that. Inside was dim and there was a counter up ahead that was curved and three people. We were shown to our table, by the bar and what looked like candles on the tables (later on we found out they were totally fake). It was cozy, more or less, though I kind of wished the lighting was a bit more lol. Our ‘view’ was of the bar. It was a nice bar. Picture below.

bar 'view'

bar ‘view’

Onwards to the service! First off, our waiter was terrific. I asked questions basically about everything on the menu I was interested in. He was patient and when he didn’t know exactly how to explain something he went to the chef and came back. He interacted with us but didn’t hover. Great watier. We gave him a pretty good big ($20) because that’s how good a waiter he was to us. Wonderful.

The drinks, of course, come first. I wanted a smoothie but was going to get a soda cause they were free refills then Charles, my awesome boyfriend, told me I could have both. Yay! I feel almost spoiled. Course if I realized how big the cups were I would’ve just gotten the smoothie. I’ve never seen cups in a nice restaurant so big! I got a root beer and tropical smoothie. See below.

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Now to the best part: the food! Our waiter brought complimentary bread. Now, the dark brown bread had like a sweet taste and was awesome. We ate that up. The other bread though, I really didn’t like. It tasted gross to me but Charles seemed to enjoy it, or at least tolerate it. He kept saying there was something familiar about it and kept on tasting it. Later, he told me he thinks it was cause it tasted like sourdough. I don’t like sourdough so… yeah. But that other bread, I could eat all day long. So yum. Came with butters that looked like those little Andres mints. See below. You can also see the fake candle, lol.

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Onward to the appetizer. We had fried mac n’ cheese with marinara sauce. Let me tell you think, it was amazing! We both loved it. CHarles said that it ‘popped’ into his mouth. With the little marinara sauce and the mac n’ cheese and balled up, yums! Would love to have this again. The balls could fit into my palm. They were pretty good size. Picture below of the awesomeness.

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Then came the entrees. There was so much to choose from (and so expensive). I wanted steak. I always want steak though. I wanted something else as well. I couldn’t decide! Then I saw the section where you can get steak AND something else. There were like five choices but you could mix them up. I was interested in the shrimp scampi and steak diane one. But, what was steak diane? How did it differ than the other steaks? His explanation was that it was a medallion cut which is basically steak cut up in like round pieces and cooked separately. I then asked what scampi was. He explained that it was a creamy lemon sauce. Nothing like cocktail sauce. Yay for me. I didn’t like cocktail sauce anyway. I also had my choice of sides but just choose the side that would come with it which was mash potatoes.

So, here comes the tasting. I liked the shrimp but felt it could be better. The mash potatoes were good, had like pieces of the skin in it but that’s not that bad taste of the skin. The steak was disappointing. I was expecting great but it was just OK. The seasoning on the outside was good but eating the whole thing, I felt like it needed steak sauce. I was comparing the steak to the Texas Steakhouse we went to a long time ago where their steak was amazing. Didn’t need any steak sauce. Next time I go, and I will sometime, I’ll get the other steak that isn’t medallion sized. Overall, the meal was good but perhaps not worth the price it stated. Don’t get me the wrong the portions were good. I’d go back. Picture below.

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Now to Charles meal. He choose a mushroom burger and meatballs as his sides. He seemed to like them both. I tried some of the meatball, it wasn’t bad but I can’t remember the taste all that well. But, I only had a tiny bit. I don’t like mushrooms so I definitely wasn’t going to try that. Picture below.

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Finally the desserts. It’s the Cheesecake factory afterall, so there were tons of choices of cheesecakes! I wasn’t sure what I wanted and asked a few questions to the waiter and then finally decided. I was torn between the raspberry and white chocolate cheesecake or the lemon and raspberry cheesecake. I choose the later cause he said the former was really sweet and I didn’t really want a lot of sweet. It was good but I kind of wished I had gotten the former. Charles got the classic strawberry cheesecake. I didn’t try it. He loves his cheesecake and didn’t wanna share lol. But the portions, man, the portions was awesome. See below.

top is strawberry, bottom is raspberry

top is strawberry, bottom is raspberry

Afterwards we went to the movies and watched the Avengers: Age of Ultron in 3D. It was awesome! Loved it.

I know, this is my longest blog yet, and I’m sorry. I wasn’t sure how to shorten but overall loved my anniversary celebration. 😀 Definitely check out the Cheesecake Factory at least once and see the new Avengers movie! ❤

Some Things Realized on Vaction

– When I try to get others to watch my daughter I gotta double check its OK
– I never really sleep next to my daughter but I did on this vacation and realized she can actually sit up, say something, then fall back asleep easily
– It makes me very happy to see my daughter excited/happy, even about something small like petting a cat
– I will clean other peoples houses when spent more than a day at it, if it needs cleaning (my sisters house)
– Being around my other siblings I grew up with makes me happier, a little more confident, and perhaps a little more creative
– I actually hate Arizona’s (hot) weather… Getting back from a cold state has made me realize just how much

So there’s many things to be learned and realized when away from home. You get away from the usual and routine. I want to go see my family again, especially soon since my older sister should be having her baby in about two months. If I do end up going to see the baby just after his born, I’ll probably have even more realizations.

I’m glad my daughter can experience traveling and seeing other family outside of her state.

On a random note, here’s a picture of some creative thing I did for my sister while over there with the toilet paper rolls she had…

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