Keeping All Your Memory With Me

Why is it when I feel sad my heart goes to you? Why does my heart feel heavy and yet light when I think of you? I think I’m letting go of this pain but then I realize it’s not gone, it’s hidden under layers of happiness and determination. It never went away and it never will.

I suppose that is fine, that it won’t go away. It reminds me you were real and not some past dream. That I actually held you in my arms and watched you breath, felt that heaviness against my arms and the warmth. But… I will never hold you again. And it hurts over and over again. They say God took you for a good reason and I try to believe it but that missing piece in my heart says otherwise. I stay strong most of the time but from time to time I’ll hear a song or see an emotional video or action and I feel the tears coming.

I can’t believe it has been three years when it feels like just last week I was sitting at your memorial. Just a few months ago that I felt you kicking my stomach and how strong you felt to me. How much hope I had that you would be that rare percentage that would survive.

I can’t let go of this pain when I think of you because it reminds me you were real and not a distance dream. It reminds me that I had a son who I made the decision to keep despite the doctors reactions. I’ll keep the sadness inside me but also the joy of you. I’ll keep every part of your memory with me, despite the way I feel at times because you are my  baby boy. My son who, despite the odds, came to life and I got to hold if only for a little. I’ll keep all the memory because it is mine and yours, every bit will be precious. I’ll keep everything.

My heart goes to you when I feel even a little bit sad because you are my baby boy, my son, who passed away in my arms three short years ago. My heart feels heavy because your memory tugs at the empty piece inside me. My heart feels light because your memory fills the emptiness within me.

I love you my precious baby boy Wyatt, my little angel.

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People Say I’m Strong…

People say that I am strong.

I have lost a child. It hurt more than I have ever felt with any heartbreak. I have been told more than a few times that I was strong. But here’s a secret…

I don’t feel strong. Should I feel strong? I feel normal, like I am any other person. What makes me strong? Perhaps because I didn’t have mental break down at the memorial service for my son and I am not in a deep depression that which leads people to call me strong. I have a daughter, she needs me so I don’t break down in front of her. I thought that would be the natural thing to do, not to break down so completely.

There was a scene in this book I had once read years ago where the main character was attending a funeral and the wife of the man that died had a mental breakdown. She threw herself at the casket and started to scream and people had to literally drag her from it. That same woman had a really young daughter there who saw it all. The main character approached the woman, told her she needed to get it together because her daughter needed her. She could break down later. That stuck with me. It was a small scene that didn’t really develop the plot of the story itself but it kept in my mind more than any other.

Here’s another question, was I strong before my experience of losing a child? Did it just make me stronger? Or did it make me strong? What makes someone not strong? How strong am I? Is everyone strong just in their own way? Goodness, so many questions that almost make me sound concided but these are the ones going through my mind.

I want to be strong. I have a daughter and I want to see her mommy is strong, not just physically but in that other way. But I don’t feel that kind of strong that people like to call me.

If I was really strong, wouldn’t I be doing more than? Looking at my life, things are going good. I mean, we are getting buying a house now and my fiance and I are only twenty-four years old. That is good. But, I’m just here along for the ride it seems. I wish I could light a fire under my own butt. Really, I am the only one that could make myself do anything.

So, once again, I wonder… how am I strong? I feel so normal. I still cry for my son. I crack under pressure at times. I yell at my daughter in frustration of her actions still. I don’t do it all the time of course, but if you are a parent I think you understand what I mean. Always, I wanted to make a difference in something but I am just sitting. Maybe I’m waiting for something to settle.

What a rant this has become.

I know I am strong in a way but sometimes I question the how and why.

Untold Story: The Hours After Wyatt’s Birth

It has been two and a half years since our dear boy Wyatt passed away. It doesn’t seem like that long ago that I had held him in my arms and watched my mom and dad do the same, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law as well. My fiance held him close, with a smile of what seemed like joy but sadness.

I remember those hours well.

With little but a wink of sleep under my belt because I just didn’t want to fall asleep, labor set in. Perhaps unconsciously I was feeling if I did things would come too quickly, Wyatt would come and he could pass away. I was afraid of that time. I didn’t want to be alone either. I was afraid. I didn’t fall asleep like most people had suggested to me. I wish I had fallen asleep well before I felt that pressure between my legs. I was terribly tired when Wyatt came into this world.

My eyes could barely hold open at times and I knew time was fading for him and I kicked myself for not having more sleep. I held in my arms, he felt heavy and didn’t seem sick but besides that I was afraid to kiss him. Afraid it would hurt him somehow. There is so much in this world I would give to have given him so many kisses and told him a thousand times how much I loved him so he could hear me. Although, I’m sure, he heard it over and over when I told him in my tummy. I remember seeing him blue when he first came out but he seemed to get back color. I had hope at that time.

He was passed around to the visiting family members, one by one they gave him kisses and hugs and whispered to him. At some point he started to make a sound like he was trying to breathe on his own and there was more hope in me that perhaps he would be that miracle to survive. When my dad held him it seemed he tried even harder. We all saw that.

I remember when the nurses asked if we wanted them to take him away to bathe him but I didn’t want him to leave. What if he passed away during that time? I wanted to spend every minute, every second with him. I wanted him around the people that loved him the most. Sometimes I wish they had bathed him. He wouldn’t be a chalky white in the pictures. We would see how his skin color was underneath that all.

About three hours after he was born he passed away in someone’s arms. I’m not hundred percent in who’s arms. He stopped making those sounds. The doctor came in and checked him and announced he did pass away. They asked if they wanted them to take him away but we opted for more time with him.

Yes, his soul had passed on but I don’t think any of us was ready just yet to let him go. So, my fiance and mother-in-law changed him into a onsie we had brought with us and then bundled him up in a blanket his Nana (mother-in-law of mine) made him. Cigarette breaks were had and my dad stayed with me and Wyatt. I held Wyatt but I noticed I couldn’t hold him for too long because I knew he had passed away but yet… he seemed like he was only sleeping.

Later, the nurses asked if we wanted pictures taken of him at no charge of course. We agreed and they carefully took him away to take pictures of him. I did wish we did the pictures before… he had passed but I don’t think I would be able to let him go even if they did bring that option up. They even cut a lock of his hair for us and put it into a baggy, unfortunately that little snip of hair has spread out so it no longer looks like a lock of hair but just a few strands. It was in a bag with tiny holes, so perhaps that is why. I remember what his hair looked like though… it was a strawberry brownish color. Definitely more reddish than his sister (though hers was just brown not red at all). I’ve always wondered how it would turn out in the end if he had… grown up more.

Eventually, it was time to let him go. We signed some forms to release him and to our surprise the people that took him held him in their arms walking out. We thought they would bring in a bed they have for the infants, not walk with him in their arms. I was thankful for that. My dad followed them out.

It was done. He was gone. I was moved to a different room and the nurses put a rose on our door to indicate we had lost our child (after they asked us, of course). This was so people wouldn’t ask how our baby was doing or come in too often, I suppose. I was thankful for that. The staff were very gracious and helpful. During the process where they took pictures they also did hand prints. He had an extra finger off to the side, you could see it in there but we were OK with that. That was him. That was our baby boy, Wyatt’s hand prints.

Even after all this time, I still sit and cry for him. I miss him. I wish so many things. I’m sure well into the future I will still do this. He is a part of my heart that is missing and that will never change.

Thank you for reading my story and if you are someone who had lost a child of your own, keep strong. The only reason I kept so strong in the beginning (and now) is mostly because of my daughter Neveah, she needed me still. It was also due to the remarkable support I was given from friends, family and even acquaintances.

The Little Being and The Protector’s Journey

Once upon a time there was a little being who was smaller than a finger that changed everything. It was too soon to tell just how everything would turn out. The little being was in secret for a while growing a little bit bigger each day until one day a test was given and the surprise was revealed!

Oh, the protector of it was definitely surprised. There was no doubt. Well, actually there was doubt. The protector was still too young, not enough experience and so many things yet not done! She wasn’t sure she wanted the responsibility. Could she be enough for this little being? How would she measure up? So many fears, she was so close to not being the protector. To extinguish this life that had chosen her.

Lying on a medical chair, the ultrasound wand moving around, she saw it for the first time. There it was, so tiny it was amazing the being could cause her to feel so sick at times and create many emotions. Then came the sound of life, so fast but it proved the being was alive. Her own life beat skipped and she knew in that very moment that she could not, would not give up the little being. It was now unthinkable. Unimaginable. Impossible.

Then came the responsibilities of being the protector. She wanted to be the best. She cut out most junk food and drinks. Her and her partner that would be the other protector prepared for the little beings arrival. It wasn’t for a while till the being would but that was perfect. There was many things to be done.

Over time new goals were set. New things were done. Instead of there being so many things that were not done, there were so many things yet to be done! The first feeding, first hug or kiss and even before that the first ever gender revealing for the protector of a little being! Excitement was there but anxiety still hovered in the back.

Between the heart burn and a ridiculously sensitive gag reflex the little being flourished. The little being grew until the protector looked like she hid a balloon underneath her shirt. It grew until bending down was near impossible and the protector just wanted to pop! Yet throughout all of this, the little flutters that grew into jabs and rolls are what she always, ALWAYS looked forward to. She already fell in love with the little being.

Then the time came. The doctor set a time to help the little being to come without waiting for the pain and last minute counting between waves. It was almost too late, where it was more morning than night. But a bag was already prepped for just this occasion. Off the protectors went to the hospital.

There were greetings from their own protectors and a little waiting till it was time to sign in. The protector, with the little being inside, hands shook from being nervous. She felt a little sick. This was really happening. Soon she would be aching for hours then the little being she treasured would finally be able to be touched and kissed and cuddled.

The two protectors were led to a room, given the low down what was to happen and how. A medicine was inserted into her and now it was the waiting game. It took hours into the water bag was popped then even more hours until she gave in and asked for pain relief. You guessed it, even more hours until a nurse came in and said it was time to push.

And push she did! Despite her fear of losing bowel movements and of bunches appearing down below, she pushed with all she could with her partner right by her side entire time, their protectors outside waiting for the news of the arrival of the little being. The doctor came in, mentioned the crowning and said to push even more. How was that possible? The protector thought but did it. Despite the pain relief, it still hurt. Suddenly, there was a tugging then relief. The little being was out!

Still a second thing had to come out. It wasn’t as big, but the doctor wanted to sew before it came out. Felt so uncomfortable, not painful just uncomfortable. She needed it out. Finally it came out but something was wrong. The doctor started to do something that made her hurt like none other. A pain never, ever felt before. One that made the protector sink her nails into her partner’s hand, leaving moon sized marks

The doctor was scooping out red liquid. The pain was unbelievable. They tried to sooth her with the little being, a beautiful and white but surprisingly heavy girl on her chest but she just couldn’t pay enough attention to hold her as she had wished. Another nurse stated she was going to inject the protector with a clotting medicine. Losing too much precious life liquid. The protector started to beg them to stop. She couldn’t stand it any longer. Just stop! It hurt too much! Stop!

Then it stopped. The doctor said he still needed to stitch. The protector just nodded. She realized she was shaking and couldn’t stop. The doctor finished and left. The nurse asked if she wanted the protectors outside to come in and she could only nod. The nursed hoped that it would calm her down.

In the protectors came, most went to check on the little girl but one came over. She still couldn’t stop, even though she tried. The protector on the medical bed broke into tears. Her father protector tried calming her then her mother protector came next. Soon the protector calmed in the presence of her own protectors. Ice chips were given to her. She took her little girl in her arms eventually, when she wasn’t constantly dizzy from blood lost and her baby wasn’t under a sun light.

Once upon a time a little being changed everything and now she is the world to her protectors.

Very Simple No-Sew Doll Diapers

My daughter loves to put diapers on her baby dolls but the only thing is that the diapers that we bought for her to do so is losing their stickiness on the tabs. So, I have searched Pinterest for a super easy tutorial on how to make diapers for dolls and this is my tutorial on how to make them.

I do not take credit for this design and the original is here. I found her tutorial a little confusing at first which lead me to make my own that would helpfully be easier to follow for others.

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First step is to find/buy some felt. I had some laying around, it’s really old and had fuzzies all over but I made it work. It was actually a cloth that was used to keep some kitchen utensils I sold at my first job as a teenager from poking about. I kept the cloth, believing one day I would use it for something, and I was right! 🙂
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Second step is to fold it in half or like a hot dog as my elementary teacher would say. You guessed it, folding it the other way is hamburger.

 

Third step: check the size against the doll. I do this by seeing how far the felt would go up when I wrapped it around the baby. I saw mine went up a little too high and trimmed a little off till I felt it was the right size. If you want your diaper to fit an assortment of sizes, it’s best to make it bigger than smaller.

 

Fourth step is to shape it. I used a bowl and marked it with a marker to make a curved line to cut. It’s not exact measurements. After I cut along the line I made I put the baby doll inside and wrapped it around like a diaper and cut accordingly. I felt the front tabs were too long so I trimmed those and the back tabs a bit. As I mentioned earlier, if you want it to fit more than just that doll you should make it a little bigger than smaller. I just went for the exact fit rather than bigger.

 

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Last step is to place the velcro on the tabs. You can’t see the velcro that well but I had a roll of each, the sticky part and the non-sticky part. I simply measured the length of what I wanted for each, cut it, and then stuck it on. I had adhesive velcro but if you don’t have that adhesive, you can just sew it on.

The baby on the left was the first attempt and the one on the right is my second. I didn’t think to take pictures of the steps till I was doing my second attempt. To be honest, the first attempt looks better. I believe I cut the tabs a little too small for the second one but that’s what happens when you start to experiment.

I hope you enjoyed the tutorial and it was easy to follow. I’m sorry the pictures are not top quality. I plan on making more tutorials on different things in the future, not sure what yet but that’s the fun of it. 🙂

Easy Peasy Shredded Chicken Tacos

I’ve been making these for a while now when I realized I could make it the shredded chicken in a crockpot. You see, I’m always trying to find the easiest and simplest way to make meals. I’m lazy, what can I say. So, let’s begin…

First, the shredded chicken. I like to thaw mine first and have yet to try them frozen, but it can be done of course. Place the chicken in the crockpot and fill it up with water until it’s a little over the chicken then cook on high for four hours. If your chicken isn’t thawed all the way, it may take a little longer.

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After chicken is done cooking.

After done cooking, drain the extra water and you can either shred in pot or take it out and shred.

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After chicken is done cooking.

I like to shred them with two forks, but however you would like to shred them.

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After chicken is done being shredded.

Time for the guacamole! I don’t really like store bought kind, it never tastes right to me so I would always rather make it myself. My stepmom had taught me how to make it but I ended up putting a little twist on it. I don’t have any exact measurements, to be honest. I do it by taste.

You take however many avocados you want to use, I used three in this particular picture. Cut them in half, not cutting the seed. Using a spoon I scrape out the meat and put it into a bowl. I cut it into small chunks first in the bowl and use a cup (yep, a cup) with a completely flat bottom to mash it. You can use whatever you want to make it smooth. Once done, I added two limes and some garlic salt. You read that right, instead of regular salt I add garlic salt. At this point, I’m adding the ingredients bit by bit and tasting it as I go to see if it needs more. If you want, you can add onions and cilantro. We don’t like onions in this house and I forgot the cilantro.

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I don’t have a picture of the finished product for the guacamole unforunately, but turned out pretty yummy.

After all that, I put some tortillas on the stove (got a special pan just for that) to heat up and then added the ingredients together. We used store bought sour cream, salsa, and shredded cheese. Loved the way it tasted! One of my fiance’s favorite meals. Our daughter doesn’t seem too interested in it though. She is still getting use to things in a tortilla cause she is iffy on burritos too. =P

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All done!

 

Thanks for stopping on by! Hoped you enjoyed this recipe. Here is a link to the recipe I originally used that taught me how to shred the chicken in a crockpot.

http://www.skinny-bits.com/2011/02/how-to-make-shredded-chicken-in-your.html

How To Keep Blogging…?

I made this blog because, at the time, it seemed so easy and fun. A blog about being a mom and finding myself? How easy is this going to be! I got loads to say…

No.

Sure, I do have lots to say but how to say it? I don’t want to bore anyone. I tend to write more than I should (my opinion). What exactly should I write about? Every day is the same and there is small things that are not the same. I usually post those small things on Facebook. Share a memory or a little accomplishment.

So, a quick turn of topic, I love Pinterest (this is going to tie in, promise). I’m on it a lot, pinning and searching. It’s my search engine now. I want to cook something but need to know how? Pinterest! I want to do a new activity that is creative and fun with my little girl? Pinterest! I’m bored? Pinterest! You get the point. I was on it one day and saw a writing prompt. It was interesting. I use to write a lot when I was younger. I had an idea! Writing prompts for blogging! Very interesting.

In short, I am thinking about using these prompts to help me blog. I really want to continue blogging, even if it is just once a month. I want to keep this active. Now, I just need the encouragement to post more and some support! Sounds odd, I need support to blog but it is true. I confess. But, some time I will do another post from a prompt.

So, whoever happens on this, let’s get started…